No More Mistakes
by FlyingwiththeHawks
Summary: This is a one shot written for the Twilight One-shot Contest. It's about Edward's thoughts when he leaves Bella in New Moon. All Edward POV. I'm really proud of this one so PLEASE REVIEW! :


NEW MOON CHAPTER 3 IN EDWARD'S POV

I could not make any more mistakes. I had made too many, during the past six months. I couldn't bear to make any more. I had to leave now.

The pain was unbearable.

I felt like this was suicide. In a way, it probably _did_ count as suicide considering the pain. I was killing myself, but also having to break the girl.

_The_ girl. The only girl in the world.

My Bella.

I grabbed her schoolbag and threw it back on the seat. Out of the corner of my eye I could see her puzzled expression, then replaced with nervousness and worry.

"Come for a walk with me" I said to her, flashing a brief smile and grabbing her hand. I turned away before she could see the smile mangle on my face. I hoped the expression was right, so far.

I _must_ make her believe the impossible. Believe that I didn't…love her anymore.

As we walked towards the forest, I reviewed my plan in my head.

First I would take her right on the trail, but in view of the house. Then I would tell her that we were leaving, and that I didn't want her anymore. As if that could happen. Then I would lie until she believed the lie, and then I would leave, and run away to somewhere where I could be alone.

We had reached my designated good-bye spot. I dropped her hand, ignoring the fact that my hand ached to squeeze hers tighter, to hold her waist, to trace her perfect angel's face…

"Okay, let's talk" she said, looking me in the eye.

_How _could I _do _this? I wanted her so much. But I could not be with her. I was a monster, bringing dangers and inflicting them on her…

I knew that she could survive this. Because the memory of a human is a sieve. She will forget, and then go on with her human life.

I couldn't do this. It hurt so much, the agony cut at me like a thousand knives stabbing into my heart.

This was a time when I wished that I could cry. I wished that I could somehow force those tears out of my eyes, just to ease some of the agony.

_No more mistakes._

"Bella, we're leaving" I said.

Forever, if I could stand it. I would not be allowed to see my angel again.

_Bella, I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you._

"Why now? Another year-" she started to say. She'd misunderstood.

"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we say in Forks after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless." I stated. My voice was a monotone. I felt hollow, numb. I couldn't feel the agony anymore, because it felt like I _wasn't _existing. Like I was dead.

She face turned pale. She now understood.

"When you say we-" she whispered.

I hated seeing her in pain. But it was nothing compared to my pain. I was no longer numb, I was on fire. Why did I have to love her so much? I hated myself to the very core.

"I mean my family and myself" I corrected.

I wanted her to be my family. I wanted to marry her. I wanted to be human for her so we could live and love without any risks.

My cold dead heart throbbed as I realized that this was impossible.

"Okay, I'll come with you" she replied. How I wanted so.

"You can't Bella. Where we're going" I paused. It felt like my voice was going to break, so I waited.

"It's not the right place for you." I continued. Of course. I was a monster. I hated myself for that.

"Where you are is the right place for me" she insisted.

No it wasn't. Where _she_ was is the right place for me. I wasn't good-at all- for her.

I'm no good for you, Bella." How ridiculously, heart-breakingly true.

"What happened with Jasper-that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!" she said furiously.

But I wasn't leaving because of it.

"You're right. It was exactly what was to be expected."

Never again, will I put you in danger, my love.

"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay!" She refused stubbornly.

_Bella, let me go. Let me go._

_I love you Bella._

"As long as that was best for you." And it wasn't. It was killing me to have this conversation with her. But I deserved it. I was a monster.

"No! This is about my soul, isn't it?" she yelled. "Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care. You can have my soul. I don't want it without you. It's yours already!"

No it wasn't. I could never have her soul, although I had given mine to her. If I even had a soul.

_Let me go. Let me go. And remember that I love you. And that you are the most perfect angel ever._

I remembered how Esme felt.

_Edward, you can't do this. You love her. She loves you. You deserve happiness._

_Please, Edward! I don't want you to suffer._

But I couldn't listen to her.

Bella deserved a life.

Without any monsters.

Those thoughts speared my heart, tore me into pieces. I looked away from her. Surely she must see how agonized I sounded.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me" The words were a lie. A lie! Of course I wanted her.

What I had to say would be the darkest kind of blasphemy.

But necessary.

"You…don't…want me?" she said.

_How could she believe me? I've told her that she is the most beautiful, perfect girl! I've told her that I loved her so many thousand times!_

"No" I could only say that one word.

But as I said that one word, my heart shattered. The frozen dead remains of it were split apart by agony, floating away from me inch by inch.

That one word was the darkest word I had ever said. I felt hollow now, my core attached to the angel that was no longer and could never be mine.

_How could she believe me?_

"Well, that changes things" She said calmly.

Except that I love you to death, and that I want to marry you, and that you are an angel.

"Of course I'll always love you…in a way." In every way possible. 'But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm…tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I'm not human." The thing that I regret the most. I wished that I could be with her. I wanted to be human.

"Don't. Don't do this" she whispered.

She really believed me.

I could see the agony in her eyes, hear the agony in her heart. I wanted to put my arms around her, to press my lips to hers, to comfort her… I wanted to stay with her. To marry her.

I'd done so much damage.

I couldn't go on, doing more damage. That thought gave my hollow self a little more courage to go on.

"You're not good for me, Bella." I reversed my earlier words aroung.

_Don't believe them! They're lies, Bella!_

_Bella, I love you so much._

Of course she was good for me. She was good for anyone. She was an angel.

And I could see that she honestly believed me.

'If…that's what you want" she whispered. I could tell that she was trying to keep the pain out of her voice.

It's not what I want. I wanted her, to be able to stay with her.

To be human with her.

I wasn't sure how my voice would come out, so I just merely nodded.

What I want didn't matter.

What mattered was _her._

"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much."

I saw her face soften a little. I knew she cared for me so much, yet nowhere near as much as I cared for her.

"Anything" she promised.

I tried to keep a poker face, but I couldn't. I loved her too much for her to put herself in danger, so I gave her a final request.

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid. Do you understand what I'm saying?" I said fiercely. I would still try to keep her as safe as she could be, without being near her and inflicting my dangers on her.

She nodded slightly. I could see tears brimming in her beautiful wide chocolate brown eyes, although I knew she couldn't feel them yet.

"I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you." So do I. "Take care of yourself for him." And me.

"And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed." I hoped that she would forget me.

_Bella, let me go. _

_Bella, I love you._

"Don't worry. You're human your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."

"And your memories?" I would never forget this angel. I felt like a zombie now.

"Well…"I hesitated. What was a good answer? "…I won't forget. But my kind…we're very easily distracted." _Lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies! There is no distrationg from the agony!_

"That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again" My frozen heart broke. I was saying goodbye to my life, my love, my meaning, my core, my self.

"Alice isn't coming back." This wasn't a question.

"No. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye.''

_Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella. I love you._

"Alice is gone?" she asked, still in disbelief.

"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you."

"Goodbye, Bella,"

Ah, the agony.

Just one good-bye kiss…on the forehead maybe. Just one.

"Wait!" She yelled.

I watched her, memorizing her beautiful pale face, her dark mahagony hair, her full lips and her chocolate brown eyes for the last time. I memorized her scent, which set my throat into flames. I didn't care.

_Bye._

I closed my eyes and pressed my lips softly to her forehead for a too-short moment. I wished I could stay like this forever. My heart ached, I was torn apart and hollow.

_No more mistakes._


End file.
